100 Years of Happy: Too much of a good thing

We finally made it back after spending a day at Hershey’s Park. We were supposed to spend a second day at the park, but Mother (my really hilarious Wanders Blog nickname for my wife) and I were just too zapped of life and energy.

Numbers One and Two dragged me onto several thrill rides that were indeed quite thrilling. I haven’t ridden so many roller coasters in years. By the end, I was completely zoned. I wasn’t the only one. As we boarded an evening ride on Storm Runner, the entire crowd looked like a bunch of well-fed zombies who had entered into some sort of Zen-like trance despite the fact that we were about to be hurled 400 miles an hour over, under, around, and inside out.

Our final ride of the night was on the smooth gliding Great Bear. It’s a hanging coaster where your legs dangle and you worry that you’ll lose a foot or something. This last time on it, though, rather than getting all worked up about the pounding and flipping and high-speed flinging, I successfully accomplished “fantasy transformation” – my mind slowly sputtered out, “Wee. I’m Peter Pan. I can fly… I’ve always wanted to be Peter Pan.” It was wonderful. I was so moved I almost cried.

However, I now want Walt Disney World to create a Peter Pan thrill ride coaster where you glide on your stomach at high speeds through a Neverland volcano, barrel roll through clouds, and skim over water. Call me, Disney; we’ll discuss.

"Stay close to the candle; the stairway can be trechorous at times."

We toured Independence Hall today. It was pretty amazing for me because I’ve been a fan of the musical 1776 since I was a kid. I’ve always wanted to see the building where it all took place. One of my favorite scenes in 1776 is when the committee assigned to write the Declaration meets to determine who should write the first draft. They go into the foyer where they sing and dance up and down an open stairway, each of the committee members offering excuses to John Adams as to why they shouldn’t be the one to write it. Finally it comes down to Thomas Jefferson who only wants to go home to Virginia and get some lovin’. When he offers this excuse to Adams he declares, “But I burn Mr. A.” to which Adams responds, “So do I, Mr. J!”

Jefferson: “You?”
Franklin: “John.”
Livingstone: “You do?”
Sherman: “Who’d have thought it.”

To which Adams sings:

“Mr. Jefferson, Dear Mr. Jefferson
I’m only 41; I still have my virility,
And I can romp through Cupid’s grove with great agility.
But life is more than sexual combustability.”

And we all know who ends up writing the Declaration - which is half the fun of the song.

I was thrilled to be walking up and down that staircase. As we were headed back down, our tour guide said, “Be sure to rub your hand along the handrail. This is still the exact rail that Benjamin Franklin used.” I was elated to be using that same handrail, and it is a good thing because I tripped and fell, and while my fall was spectacular, it would have been worse if I hadn't been holding on to the rail. I guess I’ll leave the dancing on the stairs to the professionals.

When the movie version of the Broadway musical 1776 first came out, it was severely edited from its original director's cut. Under pressure from President Richard Nixon who objected to much of the play's politics, studio mogul Jack L. Warner cut 40 minutes. The mostly-restored version was released a few years ago on DVD.

Lights of Liberty Show

We arrived in Philadelphia late last night and spent today at the Franklin Institute, a remarkable science museum that the kids really loved.

After a very satisfying dinner at a little diner that was everything you imagine a Philadelphia diner featuring Philly Cheese Steaks and Pizzas to be, we took the Lights of Liberty tour. The after-dark walking tour takes you past five significant sites. You listen to a state of the art surround sound narrative on headsets as pretty impressive projections are flashed up on the buildings.

It was great for the grown ups with lots of historical information. It was also great for the kids who had a different narration featuring Whoopie Goldberg. It was all well done and a great way to see the sites.

Tomorrow we'll wrap up Philadelphia with a tour of Independence Hall.

"Please Don't Break Anything at the Breakers!"

On our way from Boston to Philadelphia, we stopped in Newport, Rhode Island. I wanted to show the kids some places that were special to me back in the day, and we toured Cornelius Vanderbilt's summer cottage, the Breakers. This 70-room tribute to his own money was spectacularly unimpressive to me and child Number 2.

First, everything was just way too much. Way too big. You live in a house like that and you get lonely. Which might explain his and her master bedrooms. Second, the tour was the dullest hour of our entire vacation. Our young tour guide had her script well memorized, but it divulged absolutely nothing about the owners. It was all about Louis XIV this and Victorian that.

I tried to ask a few questions, looking for anecdotes, but our guide was hopeless. Afterwards, Mother (my really hilarious Wanders Blog nickname for my wife) and I came up with a list of questions we wished they'd answered but seemed to have no interest in: What was the Vanderbilt's favorite charity? Who did they hate? Anything embarrassing happen at their parties?

The sad thing was, despite all that money, most of them died pretty young or untimely. So in the end, the money didn't really make that much of a difference.

Here kids, play with these rocks.

We took the kids to Georges Island in Boston Harbor. We didn't take the picture you see here - we arrived by ferry, not helicopter, and today the grass was brown rather than green, but it is still a good picture. It was very hot. We bought some hot dogs and had lunch in the shade amidst 40 huge and hungry seagulls.

The island is about 28 acres and home to Fort Warren which was built in the mid-19th century to guard Boston Harbor. It actually functioned through World War II.

The kids loved exploring the fort. But even more than that, they loved hanging out on the gravel beach and skipping stones into the water. They did it for an hour and declared it the best day of the vacation. Sometimes I think they're the hardest kids in the world to please... and then sometimes I think they're the easiest.

Land o' a Thousand Dunkin' Donuts

We walked the Freedom Trail today. It's a special walking tour in Boston that guides you past 27 Dunkin Donuts. It also takes you to a number of significant historical sites including the Granary Burying Ground; the location of the first American public school; the Old South Meeting House; the Old State House; the site of the Boston Massacre; Faneuil Hall; Paul Revere's House; and the Old North Church where signal lanterns were hung - one if by land, two if by sea - and launched the Revolutionary War.

We had lunch at one of my favorite restaurants back in the day: Durgin-Park at Faneuil Hall Marketplace. Though it used to be staffed by the rudest waitresses, the wait staff has become quite eager to please - unfortunately. However, the food remains excellent and I still give the place five Hobbits. I enjoy most clam chowder, but this was the best I've ever tasted. I felt sorry for everyone packed into the "Sam's Cafe at Cheers" next door thinking they were having a Bostonian experience. The real deal was just a few yards away at Durgin-Park.

What? No pictures?

Today, we started out with a Duck Tour of Boston, one of those car/boat tours that many cities have where you end up driving into the water. They convert military DUKWs into tour busses. It was actually very informative and funny. Our guide had the perfect sense of humor for our family. (Later, as we left the tour, we passed another tour getting ready to depart. The tour guide was dressed like a Viking and going on about his "manly purple DUKW"- Uh, no thanks, thesbo... just a bit over the top for us. There's a big difference between humor and silliness.)

But our tour was informative and funny. And our two older kids, Number One and Number Two, each got to drive the boat/car around the Charles River, which was really cool.

We also walked along the Charles River into Boston. We rode the historic Swan Boats in the Public Gardens and strolled around a bit. Then we spent the rest of the day at the Museum of Science. Back at the hotel, the kids swam until bedtime.

Number Two carried the camera and literally took 274 pictures as we walked around Boston. Would you like to see them all?

Battle Road

Today we visited Minute Man National Park in Concord, Mass. We heard a ranger presentation about the launch of the Revolutionary War. He was just some kid in a Smokey the Bear hat, who stumbled only slightly through his memorized speech, but when he got to the part where the leader of the militia ordered the colonists to return fire on the British, I actually started to cry. Fortunately, it was raining and I could hide my tears. I. Am. Such. A. Sap.

Welcome to the 17th Century

After a day-long drive yesterday, we made it to Plymouth, Mass. We drove safely and only got frustrated with some of the traffic we hit. Oh, and the kids. I got frustrated with the kids once in a while, too.

Today was spent exploring the Mayflower 2 which you can see in this photo. I don't know if the picture captures how tiny the boat really is. "How tiny is it?" you ask? It's so small, you can display it on your mantle... in a bottle. In a shot bottle. You know, I'm on vacation. Don't ask me to write good jokes while I'm on vacation.

We then went to Plimoth Plantation. That's actually how they misspell it. I'm not sure why. After we saw a short orientation movie, we visited the Wampanoag Homesite, a small representation of the lifestyle of the native people who lived here when the Europeans arrived. Then we visited the Pilgrim Village. At the Pilgrim Village, the people are role players who act like pilgrims and answer questions in character. In the Wampanoag Homesite, the people are members of the Wampanoag Nation. They also wear period dress and explain some cultural traditions. But they aren't role players. Both areas were really fascinating and enjoyable, but on the the cool scale, the native people are on the Way Cool end, and the pilgrims hover somewhere between Eccentric Thespian and D&D Nerd.

I think I'll go to Boston

We're headed to Boston for a lengthy vacation. Should be fun driving all that way and crowding into too-small hotel rooms!

Yesterday at work, because we're going to Boston, Television Shooter (not her real name) was telling me about this song called “Boston" that's on the radio a lot. She had this really funny look on her face like, “This is a real cool song, but you’re old so you probably haven’t heard of it." Then she said, “I don't think you'd like it.” I said, “Boston, by Augustana?” Then she got an even funnier look on her face like, “How does an old guy like you know about a cool song like that?”

Then I asked her, “That's that song that has that lyric, ‘No one knows my name,’ right?” She said, “Yessss…” with some hesitation. “So, TV, can you tell me what television show the lyric is referencing,” which is a question I thought was so obvious anyone would know the answer. She looked at me this time like, “What are you talking about now, old man?”

I said, “So you think I’m too old to know a song like Boston, but it turns out you’re too young to even know that the lyric of the song is an ironic reference to the TV show, ‘Cheers,’ which is set in Boston where everybody knows your name.” I found that hilarious and had a good laugh at her expense. Or maybe I just made a jackass of myself.

To be fair, though, TV is familiar with my preference for exotica and lounge music, so I understand the confusion. But my tastes are certainly not limited to that.

We're spending the day here at home getting ready. Maybe I'll send a blog update from Faneuil Hall!

I'm Such a Muggle

I'm such a muggle. Mother is not. Mother (my really hilarious Wanders Blog nickname for my wife) is a full-blown graduate of the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft. As a first year, she was sorted into the Pufnstuf House.

On Opening Day (Wednesday for us muggles), Mother took Numbers One and Two to see “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix,” (Installment the Fifth), which the children raved about. However, while Mother seemed to enjoy the film, it somehow lacked the detail and nuance she recalled from her days as a student. I think she loves seeing in these movies and stories details such as what the little students are studying in potions class, or what’s the latest defense against the dark arts spell. I said, “Yeah, but we’ve seen that in four movies now. How much more can we take?” For this remark, she transfigured me into a rabbit. So I went out and ate her vegetable garden.

She insisted I take her to see the movie again on Saturday night. Which I did. If you haven’t yet been convinced that the powers of witchery and wizardry are real and that the Dark Lord lives and is seeking to rule the world, you never will be. Still, you don't want to upset Mother.

The movie was pretty good – not my favorite Harry Potter movie, but I give it three Hobbits out of five.

After the movie, I asked her what spells she would most like to learn. These are her top five:

Crustulum Prandium: Cook dinner
Congelo Vicis: Stop time so I can get something done
Brain Peniculus: Imports knowledge directly into my head without study
Tersus Vestri Cella: "Clean your room." (Actually, she can do this one, but she has to repeat it over and over and over to get it to work, and even then it’s not done very well. Sometimes it’s just easier to do it yourself!)
Minnivanum: Instantaneously transports the kids where they need to go.

Oh Thank Heaven for July 11.

This afternoon, I was sitting in my office and heard Starry Girl down the hall announce that it was Free Slurpee Day. My throat got tight, my skin started to burn and I went into a deep crimson blush. I can't hear the phrase "Free Slurpee" without having a serious psycho traumatic response.

You see, when I was in the second grade, some older kids at school told me that if I took my souvenir Slurpee cup back to the store, they would refill it for free. I hopped on my Schwinn and headed to one of my favorite places in the whole world: 7-11.

I handed the clerk at 7-11 my plastic cup and asked him to fill it with cherry flavored Slurpee. In the early 70's, the Slurpee machines were behind the counter, but I guess 7-11 has since figured out they can save millions in labor costs and reduce their work force by making Slurpees self serve. He handed me the Slurpee and said, "79 cents" (or whatever), and I felt my stomach drop, my knees go weak and tears start to build behind my lids. "Isn't it for free?" I asked. "Free?" the guy scoffed. He took my Slurpee, dumped it in the garbage can and handed me back my cup. The memory still stings.

So, today, I had to find out for myself if this time it was true: Free Slurpees. I walked to the nearest 7-11 and there were throngs of people filling up little 7.11 oz. Slurpee cups which I assumed were free. But I was still so traumatized that I was afraid to risk it. I grabbed a regular cup and filled it up and went and paid full price. But as I walked back to the office, I was thinking, "Dang! Dang it! Why couldn't I take a free Slurpee? I couldn't even ask if they were free. I'm a coward!"

After work, I spent the evening doing some volunteer work. I had some people in my car and I told them, very sagely, "You know, it's free Slurpee day." And I stopped at every 7-11 we passed to fill up on free Slurpees. I tried Whoo-Hoo Vanilla, and Cherry, and Pina Colada... there were so many flavors to choose from (I resisted Full Throttle because frankly I imagine that tastes like engine grease).

Store after store. Free Slurpee after free Slurpee. Call it my revenge if you will, or perhaps immersive therapy. Regardless, I will never fear Free Slurpees again!

For those who missed Free Slurpee Day, mark July 11 on your calendar (7/11). Each year, the company celebrates its birthday with free Slurpees - trust me on that. This year was their 80th year!

God Bless America (with Universal Health Care!)

We felt pretty patriotic after shooting fireworks at our friends' home in Pennsylvania. (Well, not literally AT their house... you know what I meant.) When we crossed the boarder into Pennsylvania, we stopped at a fireworks store. It was the Fourth of July so the place was pretty crowded. I had to sign some paperwork with a bunch of personal info like my drivers license, etc., and swear that I would abide by the local laws of whatever jurisdiction I was taking my fireworks to (nudge, nudge, wink, wink).

After we passed through the screening area, I was told if I lived in Pennsylvania, I had to limit myself to this little corner of the building, but if I was from anywhere else in the world, I could cross the ropes into the Warehouse of Destruction which looked like where Saddam might have hid his WMDs.

We limited ourselves to the Pennsylvania Pyromania room and found a lot of fun fireworks that we thought all the kids would enjoy. As I paid for them, the cashier told me that the sheriff from my county was actually in the WMD room picking out stuff for his party. The cashier gave me a "Preferred Pyro" membership card (no joke) that would allow me to buy fireworks in the future without going through all the paperwork.

That night, when we went outside to light our Spinning Blossoms and Flaring Volcanoes of Fire and Howling Hotpipes, we were immediately upstaged by the neighbors who were shooting rockets that were exploding in huge colorful bursts over the houses. They were awesome. "Why don't we have any good fireworks?" the kids whined. To which the adults responded, "You can see the neighbors' show just fine, and we didn't pay for it so it's even better." The kids all seemed to understand our logic, but I quietly resolved to buy cooler fireworks next year!

In the end, no one blew off a finger, or needed to go to the hospital, which is my segue to "Sicko." The day after we got home, Mother (my really hilarious nickname for my wife) and I went to see Michael Moore's new movie, "Sicko," which humorously compares the American health insurance program to health care throughout the rest of the Western world. While I realize there are many who are more knowledgeable than me on the issue who might take exception to the one-sidedness of the movie, it is hard to argue against all the real life human stories. Also, the movie was Hill-Air-Ee-Us! We were cracking up. (And Mother even cried a few times.) It was just a fantastic movie that I totally recommend. I give it four Hobbits out of five.

Restaurant Review 3: Acacia

Restaurant: Acacia Fusion Bistro
Location: 129 N Market St., Frederick, Maryland, 21701
Rating: Five Hobbits out of five

Mother (my really hilarious nickname for my wife) and I were in Frederick for a really frustrating reason (it’s a great story but completely irrelevant so you’ll just have to let it go… Let. It. Go!), and we decided to pull out the GPS system and find a place for dinner.

I wanted seafood (since I’d somehow gained five pounds over the week) and the GPS gave us several choices. We picked Sig’s Hideaway Café, but that was literally hidden away and we couldn’t find it. So we decided on Acacia Fusion Bistro.

To get to Acacia, the GPS drove us through parts of Frederick that were built probably 100 years ago. Rows of impoverished homes stood side by side with low hanging power cables and front doors literally two feet from the sidewalk. In front of one sat two sunburnt, hardscrabble families drinking whiskey from the bottle while their young toddlers sipped colas – and not the nutritious Diet Coke Plus either. It was a bit heartbreaking, not to mention guilt spawning during the sumptuous meal that awaited us.

Acacia, however, was in a beautiful part of town. During our brief wait for seats, I became aware of the wonderful smells swirling about the very classy bar. The aroma was constantly changing from steak to curry to seafood to fine wines. But the smells weren’t overpowering; they were subtle and diverse – maybe this is one reason for the title “Fusion Bistro.” It began to have an emotional effect on me and soon I was in some sort of euphoric state.

By the time we were seated I was almost weeping, longing for something left behind years ago: The San Francisco Bay Area. From the decor of each dining area, to the dialects of the wait staff, to the dress of the clientele, everything transported me back to the place I spent most of my life, the Bay Area. Don’t get me wrong, I love Maryland; I was just caught completely off guard to be back in a very authentic California setting.

We ordered tons of food, and when I said to the waiter, “We may have ordered too much,” he replied, “I don’t think so, you both look fit.” Okay, Mr. 20-Percent-Tip with the stylin’ goatee, bring us our drinks!

I can only review my own meal, since Mother ordered the exact same dishes as me (what can I say, we’re compatible): a shared calamari appetizer, Thai curry soup, a broiled tilapia and shrimp entrée special, and for dessert a mango mousse tart. It was one of those once-a-year meals that we usually wait for our anniversary to enjoy, but there was something very satisfying about spontaneously walking into such a wonderful restaurant right off the street and discovering one of the best meals we’d ever shared. So if you’re ever on North Market Street in Frederick, Maryland (with your credit card), be sure to give it a try. Five Hobbits at least!